so it goes.

Seeing these photos of Oliver makes me realize just how much he and the others have actually grown, and it's a bit sad. These were taken in February, when I had only been in my apartment for a few weeks. Everything still so certain and very much in front of me; me, not knowing what would come. It was a bit exciting, the uncertainty, if not a bit terrifying, but that's always part of the excitement I imagine. So now here I am, teetering on the brink of it all, facing hard times. The picture frames long been hung, the flowers in their pots, bloomed and already passed on; shriveled and brown-spotted and discarded in the trash. The excitement passed, and now just left with the uncertainty, but not the exciting kind. 

I hope I can stay here in this little nest I've built, where I've surrounded myself and my kittens with all the trivial comforts that make one feel at home; trinkets, knick-knacks (like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops). I wanted so badly to be here for Fall. Winter. The holidays. Thoughts of the warm smells of Autumnal treats baking filling my tiny home, making it cozy; decorating with fake leaves and real pumpkins, and eventually with white twinkling lights and a real Christmas tree... these thoughts once caused me to well up, to swell with emotion in looking forward to spending my favorite seasons in my new home. But now: that looming uncertainty. I really, really hope I can stay, because I'm really starting to like it here.